As you can see from this graph that took me entirely too long to make, the sexier a costume is the less funny it is. There's nothing hilarious about a Playboy bunny costume. That shit is 100% slutty/sexy (depending on the girl in it). On the flip side, there's no way to make a Patti Mayonnaise costume sexy without ruining my childhood, so don't do it. Where you want to be is right in that yellow circle, that's the butter zone (Get it? Yellow? Butter?). I tend to lean 70/30 funny to sexy, mostly because I've failed at trying to be more that 30% sexy ever in my life. True story.
Anyway, I advise against going outside of this butter zone for a few reasons. First, being 100% sexy is hard work for anyone except maybe Megan Fox and Kristin Cavallari. They literally wake up sexy. If you're hard at work making sure your fake eyelashes don't fall out and staying upright in your 5-inch stilettos, you're probably not having fun. Second, going too far the other way isn't going to get you any action, and I think we can all agree that's like 85% of anyone's reasoning for going to a bar in the first place. If you're dressed up like Icebox from the Little Giants you're pretty much guaranteed to friend-zone every guy in the bar. Trust me on this, I was Icebox twice, once in 2006 and again in 2010 (I only repeated the costume as a tribute to my Spartans and Coach Dantontio, who was ballsy enough to pull a trick play called Little Giants in OT to beat Notre Dame weeks before). I got a lot of high-fives, but not a lot of love.
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| Me as Icebox, oozing sex appeal. |
Here's the bottom line on Halloween costume choices: have fun. Whether you're dressed as Marilyn Monroe or an M&M, if you're having a kickass time you're doing something right.
Disclaimer: This is a girl's perspective on what guys might think sexy is. Don't be shocked if I'm absolutely wrong, since I have little to no idea what guys actually like.
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